TOTM

Morning,

I'm due on in 10 days, no wonder I feel miserable.  I shouted at ds AND dd last night.  Bit pants really.

Hopefully my diary will help to focus my mind.

News and goods;

I went for an almost 4 mile run this morning in the glorious(!) sunshine

I was able to identify some distress that is getting in the way of me being closer to someone I am seeing today

dd had a lovely day yesterday at an art course


Ok, I felt like I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel there!

It's that time of the month where things may go awry.  I shall make a decision to post on here every day to help keep me focused.  even as I'm typing I feel as though my heart isn't really in that decision.  SO, I will make it again.......I WILL write on this blog every single day until after my period.

I seem to stop thinking around this time.  My mind goes fuzzy and I don't really have focus on things.

Money.....this has gone well...I managed to still have £110 in my purse yesterday from the week and so I put it in the bank and paid off my £200 gas bill(!).....I will probably go £100 overdrawn.  It would normally be ok but I have decided to get ds a maths tutor until his exam which will probably cost me in the region of £25 a week.....so I wont have the extra to pay off the overdraft.  Once the exams are out of the way I shall continue to put away £25 until it's paid off.

Food is ok, but I have eaten flour  (in the form of yorkshire puddings).  Maybe that's another reason why I'm a bit fuzzy headed??  I said I wouldn't eat bread but I really think that I'm pushing the boundaries with eating yorkshire puds....no yeast though which is good.

Exercise I went for an almost 4 mile run today, my heart really wasn't in it and it didn't really make me feel euphoric like it normally does.  This next two weeks are going to be hard to get out I can feel it.  I shall aim to get out, even if it's for a lovely walk in the sunshine.  I get so pulled into losing weight and that's the reason why I exercise.  I shall remain focused that the ACTUAL point is to get out and exercise.....so I can walk if I want.

I can remain focused today.  I can continue to think every single second of the day.  I can stop and be scared or sad at the complete injustice of how things are and were. I give myself permission to feel a bit sad for a little while.

The world wont end and I will come out the other side.  I think it feels that I can only get through this period of the month by not feeling anything because the alternative is to feel so much sorrow.  But of course what ends up happening is I stop noticing ANYTHING and I stop thinking because I'm trying not to feel and i'm trying not to notice and when I stop thinking all sorts of oppressive behavior splurges out over my children.

I wish myself lots and lots of luck xxxxx