It's possible that this diary may turn into 'i did this and i did that' which is ok.  It's here to keep me on track and nothing else.

First of all, good things.

I watered my plants this morning....it's amazing how well they do when watered, (although this sounds like sarcasm it isn't...i'm always surprised how pert and green they look almost as soon as they are watered!).

I had a good day counselling yesterday and a lovely journey with my oldest friend who knows me better than anyone.  We talked about money and exercise and we laughed.

It was just ds and I last night and so we watched Fight Club, I like introducing him to films that I have loved.  

Oh, of course another big good thing is that I didn't eat the bread at the table yesterday and didn't have any sugar all day, yay for me!

Ok, so that's what's new and good.

I realised this morning that I felt that same feeling about coming on here and writing my diary as I do about ANY commitment that I make and feel as though I 'should' be doing.

Like, I don't exercise because it's just a nice thing to do...I exercise because I know I 'should' be, or that I know I 'should' look a certain way.  Ergo, (dunno if that's the right word but I like it) I feel bad if I don't exercise, like I'm letting 'someone' down. Which in itself is a little bit of a vicious circle because when I feel bad about something I then don't want to do it!  I had to have a huge wrestle with my mind yesterday morning about going out for a run.  And I think I do this with a lot of things I 'should' be doing.  Instead of doing them because they feel good or  I enjoy them.

I'm not careful with money because it's a good thing to do, I'm careful with money because I feel I 'should' be careful with money.  If i'm not then I am 'unsuccessful'.....

I think the food thing for me is completely related to being thin, so I am careful about what I eat so that I can be thin because that's what we 'should' be and anything else deems you as a failure and an 'issue' that you need to figure and sort out.

I was comparing this the other day to the reason why I never started smoking...because I always knew I would spend the rest of my life 'giving up'.....there is a further thought here but I can't quite get to it yet, something about things in my head being very squew whiff

Eeeeeek.

I didn't know I thought all that!  I can see how this is a load of old tosh, but it's still the feelings that I have inside my head....feelings that I need to act against and then get rid of in my counselling sessions.

Because this is slightly bigger than I thought I shall sign off now and make 3 new posts on each of the 3Es.

Partly because I want this diary to look neat ;)

And partly because I wont ever read back long posts...but I will short ones