Bring on the Day

Right

I said I wanted to post on here every day and that's what i'm doing....

news and goods

Its a new day

I've a counselling session this morning

I'm seeing my friend this afternoon

I still feel pants, yesterday was awful, dd said it was the worst day of her life because I shouted so much, (though I have to say she does always say that phrase!)   I went to bed feeling utterly miserable barely managing to say goodnight to everyone.

Here's hoping I can get my head out of my stuff today for a better day.

I lost my credit union book which means instead of getting to go in this morning and get everything done before we go to our science event, I have to leave the science event early and go in after, (they need 24 hours to verify my account and I could only ring up yesterday). I'm stressing about having my money in the union as I don't have instant access to it, though of course that may be a good thing¬!  I need to save £10 a week for some workshops that I'm going to next year and ds will be taking a tutor so I need to find £25 a week for that also, (only for a month though).  So, maybe actually I could leave the £10 a week until after the exam and then save double for a few weeks which will catch me up.  Good plan.

Food was good yesterday, I seem to be eating loads, but something I am really enjoying is cooking a meal every day for me and kids.  I never used to, sometimes we would have nothing, sometimes we would eat out, sometimes I would go to the shop and buy a ready meal.  I like the fact I have meals planned and I cook them!

Don't want to write any more, speak tomorrow

TOTM

Morning,

I'm due on in 10 days, no wonder I feel miserable.  I shouted at ds AND dd last night.  Bit pants really.

Hopefully my diary will help to focus my mind.

News and goods;

I went for an almost 4 mile run this morning in the glorious(!) sunshine

I was able to identify some distress that is getting in the way of me being closer to someone I am seeing today

dd had a lovely day yesterday at an art course


Ok, I felt like I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel there!

It's that time of the month where things may go awry.  I shall make a decision to post on here every day to help keep me focused.  even as I'm typing I feel as though my heart isn't really in that decision.  SO, I will make it again.......I WILL write on this blog every single day until after my period.

I seem to stop thinking around this time.  My mind goes fuzzy and I don't really have focus on things.

Money.....this has gone well...I managed to still have £110 in my purse yesterday from the week and so I put it in the bank and paid off my £200 gas bill(!).....I will probably go £100 overdrawn.  It would normally be ok but I have decided to get ds a maths tutor until his exam which will probably cost me in the region of £25 a week.....so I wont have the extra to pay off the overdraft.  Once the exams are out of the way I shall continue to put away £25 until it's paid off.

Food is ok, but I have eaten flour  (in the form of yorkshire puddings).  Maybe that's another reason why I'm a bit fuzzy headed??  I said I wouldn't eat bread but I really think that I'm pushing the boundaries with eating yorkshire puds....no yeast though which is good.

Exercise I went for an almost 4 mile run today, my heart really wasn't in it and it didn't really make me feel euphoric like it normally does.  This next two weeks are going to be hard to get out I can feel it.  I shall aim to get out, even if it's for a lovely walk in the sunshine.  I get so pulled into losing weight and that's the reason why I exercise.  I shall remain focused that the ACTUAL point is to get out and exercise.....so I can walk if I want.

I can remain focused today.  I can continue to think every single second of the day.  I can stop and be scared or sad at the complete injustice of how things are and were. I give myself permission to feel a bit sad for a little while.

The world wont end and I will come out the other side.  I think it feels that I can only get through this period of the month by not feeling anything because the alternative is to feel so much sorrow.  But of course what ends up happening is I stop noticing ANYTHING and I stop thinking because I'm trying not to feel and i'm trying not to notice and when I stop thinking all sorts of oppressive behavior splurges out over my children.

I wish myself lots and lots of luck xxxxx

So, its Sunday and a sunny one at that.

It appears that people who write blogs write them for other people to read.

My intention wasn't for that, it was to keep me on track. I still think that's ok, even though I feel the pull to write 'for an audience'.

News and goods

I went for a 4 mile run today and really enjoyed it (after the first mile)

Listening to ds and dd laughing last night as ds got well and truly wedged between my bed and wall

Hanging out my with my two lovely friends yesterday after work

dd falling asleep in my arms last night, now she is getting older  it's a rarer occurrence


It's been a week now since I decided to give up all wheat and sugar.  both of which I have decided to revise!    Wheat has been changed to bread which I have stuck to, (even foregoing the tortillas last night which I REALLY wanted) and sugar has been changed to white refined sugar as I don't want to give up fruit, (and anyway isn't most food sugar;carbs???).

For the last few days I have felt really weird, something has been going on with my blood sugar level and it's not been very pleasant.  I've bizarrely felt like I have had a massive overdose of sugar(!) and it has left me really shaky.  Now of course this could be just fear coming up, (I'm working pretty hard on early fear in my sessions) but I was thinking it could be some kind of withdrawal.

Also I have STARVING hungry for the last few days.  I read somewhere that if you have candida your body craves sweet stuff/yeast and if you don't eat it you are starving off the candida....(ok so I don't really know EXACTLY what happens but it's something like that)...so I thought maybe it was that and then I realised I've been eating a lot of marmite....doh.....so I didn't have any yesterday and didn't have the same hungry feeling which is good because when I don't, I can think better about what I eat.

I have renamed my blog 'an avacado a day' purely because I ate avacado last night and felt quite amazingly good afterwards.  It was like eating comfort food without the stodge, I didn't even want a pudding.  So I am going to research the wonder that is avacado.

I had to make myself run today, but after the first mile i felt so good. I ran from my legs as opposed to from my waist, (which may sound a bit bizarre but I know what I mean!) and I felt so strong and fast, - I wasn't - but I felt it!

Money is going fine except I do feel the need to spend. I think it's boredom and fear together which makes me spend.....we are going to a car boot sale this morning so I can look for some things to sell on ebay and also to buy my one record for this month. dd and ds will get £1 to spend......its always a fun challenge to see what you can get for such a small amount!

Maybe we shouldn't go if I feel like I want to spend.  I will see if the young people want to!

Didn't get chance to post yesterday as was so busy.

News and goods;

I ran again today, 3 miles, so much easier than the last two times.

The magnolia on our tree is flowering...it's like an old friend, I love it so much

I had an interesting session with E yesterday which I think is the way to go for a while at least.




Things on the 3Es front are going fine....I have been doing everything I said i would.  I havn't eaten sugar, I havn't eaten wheat and i've been exercising.

I think I may refine what I mean by wheat and sugar because actually I have eaten wheat as I've had pasta and I ate lots of onion rings yesterday which are made with flour.

BUT, I havn't eaten bread or cake and maybe that's ok for now.

Also, sugar, I havn't eaten any proper refined sugar.  I have eaten fruit....I did take the glace cherry off the fruit kebabs yesterday as I know they have sugar on them, I was pleased I did that as I LOVE them!

Money is fine, when I'm busy it's never an issue really as I don't have time to spend any!

In fact everything is going well and I don't really have anything to report...........

Hello hellooooo

Quick post today as I don't have long and have lots to do.

News and Goods;

I'm listening to Bob Marley

I have decided to allow myself to buy ONE 'new' record a month

I went for a run and ran the whole 3 miles

I havn't eaten bread or sugar since Saturday


I'm thinking that by not eating bread and sugar I actually begin to feel better....(not so hopeless)

I also had a thought on my run today.  Well, I had a few, the first was that I get to just enjoy enjoy enjoy the feeling of running, who cares how far or how fast I go, (3 miles in 31 minutes....because I do still care!)....but in truth I run because I want to run not because I should. If I want to walk, that's fine, if I want to skip, that's fine too, (not ever gonna do that!). I think i go through my life not enjoying anything, just getting on with it and doing it.  I'm going to attempt to change that!

My other thought was, (that actually made me cry a little bit whilst running), there is so much oppression AGAINST me taking care of myself....the society that we live in perpetuates the oppression of poverty.  It needs it to survive.  I don't know if my people are targeted for destruction but I do think that having Irish/welsh/raised poor/working class heritage I'm pretty much not 'meant' to care for myself in a thoughtful way. It's not part of the bigger plan from those owners of the everything! I'm not really 'meant' to think well about what goes into my body, or think well about exercising or money.

Well, I've got news for you.............I never was one to do what I was 'meant' to do.............

Ok I'm going off to see how dd is feeling as she had a rough night and then get ready for our busy busy day

Economising

I made a list of list of things we 'want' and things we 'need' and have stuck it onto our kitchen wall.

Things that we genuinely need will be saved up for and bought.

Things we want will stay on the list until we have some spare money and then maybe will be bought.

Two thoughts run through my head..the first is 'god how boring have I become'.  The second is a little thrill of excitement at saving up for things and buying them rather than instantly going and getting them....like waiting for something good to happen.....

Now I work we have more money than we have for a long time.  However, this is all being paid on to my credit cards so that in one year we are free of them as I'm not sure how long my job will last and obviously Keir will be 18 in a few years and so I will lose a big chunk of my money yet will still need to support him so need to be debt free and have some savings behind me.

I don't think that 'economising' is the best term to use.

I think I need to see this in the same way you see it when you are dieting...it isn't about going on a diet, it's about changing your habits that will then last you a lifetime.

So, I need to change my spending habits forever, not just for now.  My boyfriend is a good role model for me around money.  I want to stop looking at this as 'poor me' but look at it from a different perspective, (dunno what yet.....)

I'm bored of writing here now........more tomorrow to see how my day has gone.

Oh, maybe I can have some goals for the day ahead....

1/ ring my housing association to get my online payment account set up.
2/ go for a walk with Keir
3/ post my ebay item
4/ cook a chickpea tagine I think for our food.
5/ go to work at 2, (keep forgetting I've got to do this today).
6/ be delighted with Lara when she comes back from visiting her nan

Eating

We need food.

We need food to live.

We need certain food to live well.

There is also food available to us that we don't need at all to live.

Surely it makes sense to only eat what we need to live well and none of the rest.

Ahhh, it all sounds so simple.

when I feel bad, sad, scared, bored I don't think well about my eating.  When I feel good I do.

But this is a constant decision making process.....it doesn't seem to be a 'oh, I know, lets eat well from now on'., once in a lifetime kind of decision.  I am actually beginning to think that I need to be on top of this forever.  I get to keep making the decision to eat well every single moment of every single day.

*sigh*

I was looking for a quick fix.

As I always am...because that old feeling of having to stick with something crops up again and again......